This article originally appeared in the March 2023 issue of Security Business magazine. When sharing, don’t forget to mention Security Business magazine on LinkedIn and @SecBusinessMag on Twitter.
A few years ago, I was eating lunch by myself at a small Italian restaurant in Winter Park, Fla. Behind my table were two ladies who appeared to have been friends for several years. After about four minutes of small talk, one of them asked the other about a recent trip to Italy. The next 10 minutes of eavesdropping became the impetus for one of Vector Firm’s most effective ideas for salespeople. Here’s how it went:
“So, how was Italy?”
“Amazing. Maybe the best trip we’ve ever taken. And the most mysterious.”
“Florence was my favorite part of our trip we did years ago.”
“David hated Rome. I don’t know why.”
“We loved Rome. We stayed at the Marriott right downtown and walked to all the ruins every day. We felt like locals.”
“Our favorite was probably the two days we spent on Capri. That was incredible.”
“I think we’re going to do Scotland next.”
Did you notice anything missing from this conversation? Besides the first question, did either woman show interest in what the other said? It was like they didn’t hear each other. As one was speaking, the other was thinking about what they were going to say next. Not one follow-up question. At one point, I almost turned around and asked “Why was it mysterious?”
Listening is Hard
Being curious about human nature, I concluded after that lunch that asking follow-up questions is a very difficult habit because it requires listening. For decades, professional development coaches and self-help gurus have tried to help people become better listeners and look around at all the empty gazes. Listening is hard, and it gets harder as distractions increase.
That’s when I realized that I had it backwards. We can’t wait for people to become better listeners so they will ask more follow-up questions; however, we can train people to ask follow-up questions, and that habit will force people to listen.
So, I committed that I would reply to any statement with a follow-up question from that point forward. No active listening. No mirroring their actions. No repeating their final words. Just simply asking a follow-up question to whatever my counterpart just stated.
The Art of the Follow Up
But it wasn’t simple. Many times, I didn’t know what to ask. Other times I had no idea what they just said because I was daydreaming. Every time, I simply wanted to respond with a statement of my own to show how smart I was. Man, it was hard, but the process was worth the pain.
I learned to listen. I had to listen, or I wouldn’t know what to ask. I not only listened to words, but looked for mannerisms, tones, and other emotional cues. I learned to get personal and real with my questions. I learned how to present those questions with disclaimers like “This is none of my business, so don’t answer if you don’t want to, but I’m very curious about…” I’ve used those exact words at least a thousand times in the last few years, and not once has someone rejected me. In fact, my intimate questions have accelerated relationships.
I learned to reject my wandering mind and stay in the conversation. This is still hard, but it is getting easier every day. I learned to hear character, masking and fear where I used to hear personality, confidence and boasting.
I’ve always been a decent listener and conversationalist, and then a few years ago, I committed to one change. I committed to always ask a follow-up question. This one habit has made an incredible improvement to everything I do in life. Try it, and then try it again and again until you can do it.
Chris Peterson is the founder and president of Vector Firm (www.vectorfirm.com), a sales consulting and training company built specifically for the security industry. Use "Security Business" as a coupon code to receive a 10% lifetime discount at www.vectorfirmacademy.com. To request more info about the company, visit www.securityinfowatch.com/12361573.
